STAY A WHILE

Hey! Welcome to my brand new page! I’m so excited to start this blog and this exciting new chapter in my walk with God. Reading and writing have always been passions of mine, and sharing my own writing has always been a dream I’ve kept in my back pocket. Recently, I’ve gone through so many life-changing experiences, and I felt called by God to chase this crazy dream and take my faith public. So here I am, sitting down with my laptop late at night, ready to put it all out there.

I want to start with a warm, warm welcome to everyone who found themselves on this page. Whenever you’re reading this, wherever you are in the world, wherever you are in your faith, wherever you are in life– welcome. I consider you my friend now. I will be a safe space for you, so please don’t be afraid to reach out if you made it all the way here. I truly believe God brought you here for a reason, so stay a while and let Him show you what that reason is. I hope, together, we can build a loving community for people who love Jesus and want Him to be the center of their lives.

Full disclosure– I’m nowhere near an expert on life. There is a lot still to come, and there are dreams I haven’t yet reached. I know I will face many more victories and losses. God’s plan for my life will take me places I never imagined and teach me things I couldn’t learn any other way. Understanding that, I am completely humble. The wisdom I hope to share here isn’t mine– it’s God’s. As Psalm 119:105 says,

“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path."

I don’t believe my life story is anything exceptional. I’ve heard so many stories of people facing unimaginable tragedies and the miraculous strength of God that gets them through their hardest battles. No matter what you’ve been through, I’m amazed by your bravery, and I praise God for delivering you then and now. If you are in the middle of the storm right now, cling to Him as your rock. There is no one more faithful than Him. He will deliver you. He will hold you. God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.

My childhood was perfect. I had two loving parents, three amazing younger brothers, a safe home, a Christian education, and countless Christ-following friends. Being raised in the church was a blessing. My faith was solid from the time I could understand words. My first books were children’s Bible stories. All of my friends and their families went to the same church as my family. Life was simple. My faith wasn’t something I had to think about; it was the most solid part of my life. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Jesus loves me.

However, that simplicity didn’t last. In my adolescence, that perfect Christian bubble suddenly popped, and problems slowly crept in. Throughout high school, I watched tension grow in my parents’ marriage. My brothers didn’t want to play with me anymore. Relationships in my home grew angry and stressful. My school friends started liking cooler things than God and His word. My perfect Christian education started to feel suffocating. My life as I knew it was starting to crack and tremble. The solid faith I once had was breaking.

When I went to college hours away from home, I turned my back on everything I once knew. I cut off my entire family, my high school friends, my church, and my God. I felt free from all the things that held me down. I didn’t have to follow God’s way anymore. I had a new boyfriend, new friends, a new lifestyle, and a new independence. For months, I was the happiest I had ever been. I was living the best days of my life. It was perfect.

Until it wasn’t.

Slowly, the things I centered my new, exciting life crumbled. I moved away from my best friends. My relationship grew extremely toxic. I went deep into debt. I was diagnosed with severe mental health issues. I developed an addiction to alcohol and drugs. I got into fights with people who threatened my life. I was arrested. I went to three different mental hospitals. I lost all my friends. I lost my scholarship and my opportunity to play college sports. I found cancer in my kidney. I had psychotic episodes. I broke things, threw things, hurt others, and hurt myself. After everything, I attempted suicide in August.

Everything I loved– everything I thought I could count on– was destroyed completely. My life wasn’t just broken. It was dust. I had nothing. Jesus’ story about the vine and the branches is the perfect picture of that time:

“Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

John 15:4-5

A modern analogy that makes sense to me is a bouquet in a vase. Flowers are cut off from where they grow. You take them home, put them in a vase, and water them. They are beautiful for a while, especially with the water keeping them fresh, but it doesn’t last. Water helps flowers, but without being connected to their vine, they wither. It’s a slow droop at first, but soon they are fully wilted, colorless, and rotting.

I thought I could be beautiful without God. For my entire life, I had been connected to him. But I got tired of remaining in Him. I thought I could grow more on my own. So I broke myself off. It worked for some time, but I started to wither. And lose my color. And rot. And believe me, I rotted to the core.

But that’s not where my story ended.

In the quiet of losing everything, I heard God whispering to me. Reaching out gently. Calling me to hear Him. Drawing me in close. It was the soft voice of a father, the warmth of a home, the embrace of a shepherd holding his once-lost lamb close again. I was the lost lamb. I was the prodigal son. I was the withered branch. But I was found.

I am found.

I am home.

Dearest friend, my prayer for you is this: that you sit in silence and listen, that you hear that whisper, and that you receive His call. If you are lost, return to God. You don’t belong anywhere else. You won’t bloom anywhere else. No matter the life you’ve led, no matter what choices you’ve made, no matter how far you’ve wandered– there is grace. If you are still breathing, there is time.

Come home.

God’s grace is so powerful. It has changed my life and called me back to a love that never fails. To a mercy that is new every morning. I pray that you find His peace. He is waiting for you. He wants you. He loves you.

So I implore you, stay a while. Remain connected to His vine. Find rest in His arms. There is just nothing like it. There is no greater love than this. 🩷